I thought I was smart and safety conscious years ago when Gary came home and explained that we should put our numbers in each other’s cell phones as ICE – an acronym for In Case of Emergency. He explained that if I am on the side of the road, unavailable for comment, someone could open my phone, look for my ICE number and know who to call. I am sure we thought this all out before thumbprints and facial recognition locked our phones, but I digress.
In case of an emergency may be apparent for physical emergencies, but often in relationships, we fail to see the emerging signs of impending disaster. Symptoms like emotions flaring and thoughts clouding. Signs like we want to fight, flee or freeze.
Using the analogy of the emergency of fire, let me share something helpful to me when I find myself surrounded by the heat and smoke of an emotional conflict. Growing up and teaching in the United States, October was always fire prevention month. We live near a fire station, so each October, we’d get a tour of the truck and ladder, the fire hoses, and chat with the firefighters. We’d also walk through our fire plans with the children and participate in school-run fire drills.
The three main ways to deal with fire taught to students are:
Let’s apply the Stop, drop, and roll action steps to relational conflict.
Stop – Our instinct is to run and rush away or towards the conflict, only adding fuel to the flame of negative emotion rather than stopping. No amount of rushing ahead will serve to lower the heat.
Hit the pause button.
We were heading out the door to pick out a cell phone with one of our teenagers. We poorly timed our reminder that the phone came with security filtering software. This simple, repeated reminder resulted in a full-blown flame of anger and threats to leave the house. I was undone and didn’t know what to do except to call a 15 min cool-down period while I headed to my secret communication closet (my bathroom) to call my sister. When we returned, our teen had time to process what was a sudden requirement and realize that they wanted a phone more than they hated any restrictions on it. They just needed time. Could you stop and pause before pressing your case or before walking away? That space and silence may cut off the rush that only causes damage.
Drop – You drop your body to the ground because that is where the cleaner and clearer air is. Low is where you can breathe. Drop represents humbling ourselves. Our nature elevates our position and opinion above another. When we drop, we humble ourselves and live out the passage in Philippians.
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.
Philippians 2:3,4 NIV
Humility looks like asking genuine questions, earnestly listening to answers, and seeking common ground we can build on to trust and care well for each other. Going low says I don’t have the answer, but I am willing to ask questions we can agree on to learn how you feel and think.
Roll – Once we are low on the ground, we can more easily change direction to continue moving to safety. This means turning, adapting, and adjusting our reactions and responses to keep us connected. Without a pause and a humble approach, we won’t be in a position to see a way ahead that requires adaptability. I returned to that room with my teen, ready to open up some options if necessary.
Often we enter into conversations that shockingly turn from friction into a full-blown clash that leaves us disoriented. Sometimes we can anticipate the conflict. Fire safety requires reminders and practice before we enter into situations that have the potential for fireworks,
One helpful way to practice the relationship equivalents to stopping, dropping, and rolling is to rehearse and replicate the conversation with a wise guide. That is what I was doing in my bathroom with my sister. What if they say this? What if they do that? Her calm, wise and generous willingness to walk through the scenarios in my mind allowed me to be calm, wise, and generous when I returned to my teen; My head was clear, my heart was open, and I resolved to stay connected and be empathetic.
Purpose in advance how you will react to a relational setback and prepare the only person you can – yourself.
I hope you have your version of someone in your phone contacts who you can call in case of emergency.