I made my husband cry within the first weeks of marriage.
During 31 years
- We have fought about money.
- We have fought over where to travel to see who.
- We have fought over whose memory is more accurate 🙂 depending on the issue.
- We have fought over frictional force formulas when trying to help kids with homework. Among other topics. (both engineers)
Everyone’s list is different but likely long.
In conflict we either go to violence or silence. If you have been reading my blog, concluding that I go to violence is a solid choice!
My early-in-marriage philosophy on fighting was, “I am right and you’re wrong.”
Gary’s philosophy on fighting was and still is like the legendary Muhammed Ali’s approach: Rope-a-dope.
What is rope-a-dope? Video begins at 1:15 and listen just for 15 secs.
https://youtu.be/-DzEsiySWVw?t=1m15s
Having a difference of opinion is obvious. Having enough awareness to know that although someone is standing in front of you they have effectively left the room is not so much obvious.
When we go together we are better. Going together means hearing, understanding and appreciating the other person’s story. It means keeping what we really want in mind resisting the dive to stinking thinking.
When it is safe you can say anything.
One of the best resources to help me see how to keep it safe, value others insights and be better on the other side of conflict is Crucial Conversations. I have read it multiple times and taken their online course.
Crucial Conversations Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High, Second Edition
Our most recent fight last night:
Me: Help me Gary, what’s the worst fight we’ve ever had?
Both at the same time: Let’s have a fight now!
Gary: Let’s take our shower and we can fight over the soap.