Mary, Mary, Quite Contrary

When I was a little girl my father would sing nursery rhymes to us.

This one always got my attention.

While I loved the nursery rhyme, I hated the thought that I was contrary.

Contrarian – opposing or rejecting popular opinion; going against current practice.

While I hate the thought of being contrary, here’s the thing. I am. It feels like a 12-step meeting to say but I must – my name is Mary and I’m a contrarian.

I’ve come to this self-knowledge through some hard lessons. Seeing what it’s like to be on the other side of me can be painful to acknowledge. Please don’t use this against me. Given the right set of circumstances, I am your person when it comes to being contrary. Self-confident, decisive, straight-talking, and willful. If there’s a confrontation I will lean in to construct a better world for the people in my care.

At this stage of my life, I am learning what it means to employ who I am at my best – to look at even the smallest of daily interactions where I’m not operating well. These parts of me just leak and pop out if I am not paying attention. Here’s just one small example of how it can play out for me.

One of the COVID habits I have been enjoying is twice a day walks around the neighborhood block with my husband. Recently, on one of our evening strolls Gary casually mentioned he was going into work the next day. It even sounds unbelievable to say what a big announcement it is in this season to say I am GOING into work. The BIG announcement used to be that you were NOT going into work.

What I want to draw your attention to which took me time to realize is my immediate reaction.

I stopped in my tracks. I began to fire questions. I didn’t wait for the answer.

I didn’t ask the open-ended life-giving questions that invite more conversation. I asked the prosecutorial type that can really only be adequately answered with short one-word answers.

When did this happen? When did you decide this? Why didn’t you tell me sooner?

The plot thickened when Gary said the oft repeated: I already told you this earlier. This led to more questions.

Was I on my computer? Was I on the phone? Did I make eye contact?

Gary has a finely developed knack not to get sucked into the immediate and stay focused on the larger objective.

He replied Okay, let’s say I just told you 10 steps back. So I took 10 steps back too.

The interaction wasn’t bitter or mad on my end just intense and so rapid it is hard to imagine this conversation in the less than 30 seconds that it took. My response and these words come out so fast and so opposing. It was like breathing for me.

Later that night as I went to my practice of silence I thought. What in the world? What do I say to the man who has been married to me for 33 years? Do I really believe that he hadn’t told me before the walk he was going into work?

How in the world would he benefit from lying by saying he did if he didn’t? Nothing. Nothing logically or experientially has ever put a lie at Garys’ doorstep with me.

I took the opportunity to let Gary know my reaction wasn’t right. I don’t want this to sound like I am beating myself up. I’m not. I’m just learning to recognize who I am and looking at the ways I don’t come out in my healthiest self.

I’m cool with being contrary. At my best, I am able to self-surrender to a higher purpose. Part of that surrender is to recognize how I am made and make peace with that and look for ways to cultivate health and growth.

Are you learning to recognize how you show up in your everyday walk?