I have lived most of my life in a high functioning state. To say I have a positive mindset is an understatement. I have always been the kind of person that if I did something that wasn’t on my to-do list I would put it on the list so I would have the satisfaction of crossing it out. While this sort of productivity could be looked on with envy there is this horrendous groundhog day effect in my life that no matter the amount of accomplishment from one day to the next the reset is always back to zero the next morning. Zero. I have to do something each and every day to feel good.
I can still picture the moment I realized something wasn’t right. Sitting on the rattan furniture in the middle of my family room my eyes moved from the scattered assortment of baby toys on the floor to the 3 young happy babies playing. I remember thinking wow, these kids are really little and holy cow every one of them is mine! I don’t remember being tired with three children under the age of three. I do remember being paralyzed in my thinking. Everyday decision-making which up to this point had been easy and intuitive had become slow and foggy. So if thinking wasn’t happening there was not much-doing happening either. I wasn’t feeling good to be sure. With hindsight I know I was experiencing depression back then from not paying attention to the intense pace and demands of my life.
I thought a happy and light outlook was the gold standard for living, sort of like the pop bright colors of an Andy Warhol painting. No matter the pace of life, no matter the challenges. Life was meant to be happy.
But that was not what I was experiencing, I was living in the shade of sadness. It was my first real encounter with sad and absolutely not my last. I know others discover sad sooner or later but I have come to embrace that overwhelming and sad is more often the course that life sets us on. I am not talking about giving up on working hard or having hope. If you know me you know I am exceedingly positive but even that can’t stand up against a tsunami of trauma or even a steady trickle of disappointment. In fact, I have finally figured out that fighting, kicking, and screaming don’t work well either and more often leave you exhausted. Pulling myself up by my bootstraps with more time and more work doesn’t solve it.
No life for me is more the Rembrandt style. The life that highlights the light because it is so often surrounded by the misty unsure, dark and sad. Look at how that flame just pops out at you!
So like this painting, I stay near the light. Unlike the Warhol, there is a clear focus for my eyes in Rembrandt. My eyes are steadfast on that light.
Pausing, taking time for space, intentionally taking a break to lay aside the thinking, emotions, and tensions give me the energy to continue. I imagine that all that thinking and tension will still be there when I come back to it but I know too the light is there with me.