Watching home movies from the late 90s I could see the 5 and 7-year-old swooping over the 3-year-old and rip at the gift in his hands all for the cause of “helping” the younger sibling open his gift.
And what do I hear the younger me say?
“Let your brother open his own gift.”
What does it mean to let another open their own gift?
I am pretty aware of what it is not.
It isn’t demanding a solution to a problem that isn’t mine. It isn’t insisting on things being done in a certain way for something that isn’t my responsibility. It isn’t rushing in to rescue someone who is not yet recognizing drifting off course.
So many times, I can see that I insisted on shoving a gift under the nose of another who wasn’t even asking or looking for any such offer no matter how generous the gift in my mind!
I am becoming more content to wait far longer for the question and to be comfortable with the student’s struggle to answer it.
Henri Nouwen writes in his book Spiritual Direction: “Teachers can only teach when there are students who want to learn. Spiritual Directors can direct only when there are seekers who come with a question. Without a question, an answer is experienced as manipulation or control. Without a struggle, the help offered is considered interference. And without the desire to learn, direction is easily felt as oppression”
Let your brother open their gift.
Very profound observation, Mary!
Thanks Lorri! So good to hear from you. Wishing you the best!
That was excellent Mary. That takes wisdom, as well as restraint. What a beautiful thing!
Do you think one of the reasons we do this is because we want to avoid pain? We’re uncomfortable with struggle and frustration – in ourselves and others. In a world where the cry is “seek pleasure and avoid pain”, we don’t want to sit and wait and let people struggle. We want to relieve it. But when we can stand back, we allow them to discover their own insights as they work through the challenge and then they own their discoveries and change happens. A question is worth more than an unsolicited answer. You taught me that.
I do think we want in our best version “to help”. At our worst we don’t want to waste time (our time). Learning to wait for others :-).