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Turn Toward

During a recent ICC (www.iccinc.org) retreat, I sat with a group of students considering our internship opportunity. As is my habit, I asked them what some highlights of their day were.

One young fellow excitedly replied, “the clapping contest!”

I immediately knew what he was referring to. Earlier in the evening, adult leaders enjoyed a special dinner and program in the upstairs alcove of our retreat center. The second floor was open to the dining hall below. During our upstairs program, we clapped for the alumni staff team presentations. Without missing a beat, the students and coaches downstairs responded with applause.

Standing in front of my adult peers, our eyes met, and we knew what to do. We returned a loud applause volley. Again downstairs returned with a round of clapping and now shouts. We matched them again. One more return, and with a slight pause, the adult team called to the group downstairs, “you win,” which was met with appreciative laughter. 

It was a brief encounter, maybe two minutes, but here it showed up as one student’s highlight to their day.
Why was that? What happened? This student experienced the delight of a successful bid for connection.

Dr. John Gottman states, “A bid is any attempt from one person(or group) to another for attention, affirmation, affection, or any other positive connection. Bids show up in simple ways, a smile or wink, and more complex ways, like a request for advice or help.”

list of bids

It is easy to miss the small bids for connection we receive throughout our day. It would have been just as easy for the adult leaders to ignore the clapping and move ahead without pausing their program. It would not have been a mistake, but it would have been a miss. Worse yet, one of the adults could have felt it necessary to go over to the railing, shouting and correcting students not to interrupt the upstairs program.

Thank goodness that night wasn’t a mistake or a miss but a mark.

There is good news! We can grow in our ability to recognize and turn toward the bids for connections we experience in our day.

My debrief question that night was a bid of connection to that student group. The student team generously replied, and their responses opened my eyes to something that seemed so ordinary but, on reflection, showed how extraordinary our human relationships and flourishing can be when we turn toward each other. 

6 Comments

  1. Mary Lyons Mary Lyons

    This is so good, Mary! We are made for connection and companionship. Learning to recognize these “bids for connection” (I like this term) as they come is a skill that can be developed. Even more important is the developing of the habit of responding to those bids readily and “turning toward” those around us. May I have eyes to see and a heart to respond.

    • mary.gunther@gmail.com mary.gunther@gmail.com

      I think we all have regrets in our younger years for thinking that our tasks were greater than the people surrounding us. Grateful for His consistent pursuit of connection with us. Love you.

  2. Kate Wood Kate Wood

    Ha, ha! I can just imagine the scene. Love the way you told the story, Mary, and how you all “hit the mark.” 🙂 Thanks for the list of bids and the encouragement to turn toward others when bids like these come along. Inspiring!

  3. Lisa McLean Lisa McLean

    I was there that night and thought it was fun and dear, but you’ve helped me see something, thank you! I choked up when I encountered this bit in your post: “This student experienced the delight of a successful bid for connection.” I immediately pictured him sitting down there inwardly bidding, wondering, looking around, looking up. It made me cry thinking of all the bids for connection that go unnoticed. Thanks so much for that big list — I’m on it!

  4. Susan Nye Ferrell Susan Nye Ferrell

    I really appreciate Dr. Gottman. We think of him as relating to marriage only, but I think he has much to offer for general connectedness. I think in a world were so many are focused with eyes down on their phones, even more bids are being missed even in the broader day-to-day out and about!

    PS just found your Lovely blog.

    • mary.gunther@gmail.com mary.gunther@gmail.com

      Susan, And I am just reemerging after a time of wilderness. So glad you found me. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

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